So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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