I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
