so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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