You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
