the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
