By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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