i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
