I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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