i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
