and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
