Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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