He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
