your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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