My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
