He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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