I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
My ass is underappreciated
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
