the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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