I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
