By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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