I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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