Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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