Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
