You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
