Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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