Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
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