You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
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