before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I'm bleeding and have questions
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
