Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
