ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
