How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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