..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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