i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
