Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
