You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
