People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
