I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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