Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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