My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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