my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
