You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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