3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
So many bounce houses so little time
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
