She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Randomize
