rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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