Your face is a jimmy john
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
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