I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
