Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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