"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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