Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
