I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
