the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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