my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
